Aussies love America! They told us so…at the bar…after a few bourbons and at an Irish pub in San Francisco, no less. Our new friends, whose names we never did secure, gave us their plan to repair our woes — America’s woes that is. First: run for President and offer nothing. No promises. Second: when elected, give no one anything. Nothing, that is, until we are debt free. Third: solve the healthcare inequalities issue. How? For those lucky citizens who get healthcare benefits through their employer, God bless! Have at it! But for the rest, for the love of God, give them healthcare. Federally-provided healthcare. Everyone’s basic-right healthcare. Governmentally citizen-respected healthcare.
Sure, mate, another round, let’s!
Gun control? Really? You want to know how Australia sees your pitiful gun laws? Because you really can’t call it control, now can you?
Insert the Americans’ attempt, at this juncture, if you will, to explain our own learning of Australia’s success in eliminating mass shootings: The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. We saw the segment showing the enormous pile of weaponry turned in following a brutal mass killing. “A” brutal mass killing. One?
OK so we weren’t especially proud of having to admit that our knowledge of this successful, obviously nationally-unified action came from what is, really, our only source of news—because the regular daily or nightly news is sensational, exploitative, and exceptionally fear-inducing. But, we knew, none the less. And why? Because Jon Stewart makes perfect sense out of the politically non-sensical.
Our new Aussie friends were glad to add the details—6-month amnesty for those turning in their guns, 100% dollar value, and most important … it fucking worked, mate!
What could we say?
That Americans are arrogant? That they “believe in the original right to bear arms —aka the 1776 musket (necessary to kill Native Americans, if necessary or when the whim (read: fear) presented) — written into the American Constitution?” Or that …. uh … ????
And then this is how we knew we’d made friends: we moved on to talk sports.